RachelMills (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} rachelmills) wrote,@ 2006-06-20 21:28:00 |
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Rachel's Rules for a Happy Relationship
Having been in one miserable marriage and one happy one, here is what I have learned:
1. Say please and thank you. Just because you are intimate doesn't mean you don't need to give your significant other (SO) the respect of common courtesy. No one likes to be taken for granted or treated like a hired hand, or worse.
2. Pick your battles. Defer to your partner on the small things, and hope that they return the favor proportionately. But really, MOST things are not worth making your SO miserable over, and collectively they will kill the relationship, so think carefully before you make a mountain over a mole hill. Don't torture them. Just break up if you want out.
3. Do more than your share. Work in the home is never completely 50/50. Expecting it to be only creates an opportunity for tension. My rule is if you don't feel like you're doing 70f the work, you're probably not doing enough. Also, there should be an understanding that the person with the lowest tolerance of filth and clutter will be taking care of it sooner. Don't resent you making your home better for you. If you find a partner who will say "Thank you!" for it, you've hit the jackpot. Be that partner, which leads me to -
4. Be that partner. Strive to be the sort of partner you would want to be with. If you were your SO, would you like being with you?
5. Have your own money. At my house, we have his, hers and ours bank accounts. It may sound complicated, but it sure does make life simpler in many ways. Either one of us can splurge on a toy at any time if we have the money in our individual accounts. That's just the kind of freedom that should come with being a grown up. Don't get into a relationship that won't allow you that. Along with that comes
6. Pull your own weight. Its OK to depend on one another, but return the favor and don't be a burden. And be patient when its your turn to pull the weight. If its too one sided, you're not in a relationship of equals and you should get out if it bothers you. Children and stay-at-home mom/dad issues are something we haven't encountered yet. But that is something that should be exhaustively discussed beforehand.
7. Offer praise at every opportunity. Be very measured with criticism. It really helps when you notice your SO doing something good.
8. Your SO is not a project. Adults come As-Is. Your efforts to change someone into the perfect partner will only frustrate both of you. If they are not that person when you meet and as the relationship moves along, heed the red flags and stop wasting both of your lives and find someone who already is. Think about it - how eager are you to be shaped and molded into someone you're not just to please someone else? Wouldn't you rather have someone who loves you as you are? Return the favor, or move on. I'll say it again: Adults come As-Is.
9. Have a life. And let them have a life. Your SO is not your therapist, and not your everything. Yes, tell them your sorrows and your triumphs, but after 10 times, they get tired of it. Have outside friends to hang out with and talk to. Its good for you, good for your relationship.
10. Don't get fat. It's the most inconsiderate and selfish thing for you to do to your (expected) monogamous sexual partner. Take care of yourself, and they should do the same for you. Stay sexy, because sex is a healthy part of being human. If you let yourself go, you are only inviting them to temptation, and it comes to a point where its just cruel to expect them to continue to service your fat repulsive ass. If you insist on the KFC every day and you must have that to be fulfilled as a person, you need to discuss and be open to an open relationship. Be considerate and be the partner you would want if you were them. If not, you will soon find yourself with either an unexplainable STD or unexpected divorce papers. Believe it.
Having been in one miserable marriage and one happy one, here is what I have learned:
1. Say please and thank you. Just because you are intimate doesn't mean you don't need to give your significant other (SO) the respect of common courtesy. No one likes to be taken for granted or treated like a hired hand, or worse.
2. Pick your battles. Defer to your partner on the small things, and hope that they return the favor proportionately. But really, MOST things are not worth making your SO miserable over, and collectively they will kill the relationship, so think carefully before you make a mountain over a mole hill. Don't torture them. Just break up if you want out.
3. Do more than your share. Work in the home is never completely 50/50. Expecting it to be only creates an opportunity for tension. My rule is if you don't feel like you're doing 70f the work, you're probably not doing enough. Also, there should be an understanding that the person with the lowest tolerance of filth and clutter will be taking care of it sooner. Don't resent you making your home better for you. If you find a partner who will say "Thank you!" for it, you've hit the jackpot. Be that partner, which leads me to -
4. Be that partner. Strive to be the sort of partner you would want to be with. If you were your SO, would you like being with you?
5. Have your own money. At my house, we have his, hers and ours bank accounts. It may sound complicated, but it sure does make life simpler in many ways. Either one of us can splurge on a toy at any time if we have the money in our individual accounts. That's just the kind of freedom that should come with being a grown up. Don't get into a relationship that won't allow you that. Along with that comes
6. Pull your own weight. Its OK to depend on one another, but return the favor and don't be a burden. And be patient when its your turn to pull the weight. If its too one sided, you're not in a relationship of equals and you should get out if it bothers you. Children and stay-at-home mom/dad issues are something we haven't encountered yet. But that is something that should be exhaustively discussed beforehand.
7. Offer praise at every opportunity. Be very measured with criticism. It really helps when you notice your SO doing something good.
8. Your SO is not a project. Adults come As-Is. Your efforts to change someone into the perfect partner will only frustrate both of you. If they are not that person when you meet and as the relationship moves along, heed the red flags and stop wasting both of your lives and find someone who already is. Think about it - how eager are you to be shaped and molded into someone you're not just to please someone else? Wouldn't you rather have someone who loves you as you are? Return the favor, or move on. I'll say it again: Adults come As-Is.
9. Have a life. And let them have a life. Your SO is not your therapist, and not your everything. Yes, tell them your sorrows and your triumphs, but after 10 times, they get tired of it. Have outside friends to hang out with and talk to. Its good for you, good for your relationship.
10. Don't get fat. It's the most inconsiderate and selfish thing for you to do to your (expected) monogamous sexual partner. Take care of yourself, and they should do the same for you. Stay sexy, because sex is a healthy part of being human. If you let yourself go, you are only inviting them to temptation, and it comes to a point where its just cruel to expect them to continue to service your fat repulsive ass. If you insist on the KFC every day and you must have that to be fulfilled as a person, you need to discuss and be open to an open relationship. Be considerate and be the partner you would want if you were them. If not, you will soon find yourself with either an unexplainable STD or unexpected divorce papers. Believe it.
